Thursday, October 28, 2004

Hot diggity. I did a stretch class yesterday and my whole body feels so much better. I woke up to run this morning and opted to do some work on my newest script. Getting to write made me feel even better.



I know my last entry was pretty dark. I'm trying to get away from so many dreary entries. So, I'm waiting until there is' at least something decent to write about. Or just to give a simple update.



As you all know, Halloween is this weekend. I'm really looking forward to walking around with the kids (I think I'm walking around with the kids... maybe I'm passing out candy. I better check on that). But I love this day of the year. This year Sophie is dressing as Sleeping Beauty and Jake will be Woody (from Toy Story). They received a package from Grandma Flynn this afternoon, so I know they’re getting pretty excited about Sunday.



I will have to avoid as much of the candy as possible.



Not much else to report right now. The election is right around the corner and I have been reluctant to voice my opinion on this site. The purpose of this site is not to rouse anger from anyone reading it (is there anyone still reading it?)



But if you know me and you've been reading the blog long enough, you know who am I voting for and what causes I believe in. 'Nuff said.



So... that's all for today. Tale care of yourselves.



Aloha.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

It's late Sunday night and I wanted to check in before going to bed. This was a wonderful weekend with the family. We went out to dinner the past couple nights and we went to Lombardi Ranch to buy pumpkins and go on some mule drawn wagon rides this morning.



Yesterday I ran the 18 miles and it was not nearly as bad as my 16 mile run ended up. I took it slow from the beginning and I was amazed at the strength I had at the end to pour it on. Peter was unable to run the last half-mile with me. His legs gave out. But his last long run was the 14 miler, which was over a month ago, so he should feel good that he completed most of the 18 miles running.



It was a strange week for me in that I've been doing a lot of research for a new script I’m working on and I came across some information about Ted Bundy. Even mentioning his name in the blog makes me feel like I violating something. This man was a monster and reading up on him really made me overly cautious the past couple days. I don't want to say paranoid, but I'm looking at things a little differently. My glasses aren't so rose colored.



The most unsettling thing is to think that something could happen to my children by some kind of monster like him. I sometimes tell myself that God wouldn't let anything more terrible happen to our family, that we already have enough on our plate. But I'm once again battling with my faith.



I want to be strong and trust in everything. But I'm so... bitter. That's the only word I can come up with. And this bitterness is spilling over. I can't even watch a show like "Extreme House Makeover" without feeling a little cynical.



I think about this blog and what I wrote last year. I'm sure it must have been filled with so much optimism. But I don't have so much optimism. Perhaps this is because my birthday is around the corner. I'll be 35 next Monday and I still don't feel like I've accomplished anything. After all of the things I've done, am I always gong to feel this way? When am I going to get over myself?



But going back to Bundy. Reading about his depravity and how he ruined families has really made me look at my wife and children and love them even more. I wish I could hold on to them forever end envelope them with a protective cloak that will keep them out of harm's way. But I'm no superman. I'm not even a great man. I'm just Scott. Husband and dad. Son and brother.



I keep wishing that something wonderful would happen to lift some of the stress out of our lives. But there's just so much beating down that optimism that those thoughts really feel like wishful thinking and not hope or confidence.



These thoughts only seem to come up when I'm on the computer. Why is that? Really, we have a good life. I love our house and we've been able to survive on our meager savings for much longer than we thought possible. But I worry so much. I worry so much that it consumes me and I feel like I'm projecting it on to the kids. Those darling, beautiful children. I don't want them to carry my problems. I want only the best for them.



And still, after all of this... crap I've just unloaded, I still am so thankful that we have our weekends together. To be able to spend these two days as a family... it means everything.



By now I must have driven away any of the few readers I still had.





Aloha.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

It has rained the past 24 hours. Not a light drizzle, but a downpour. Luckily I was able to get in a run yesterday morning and now it appears that the weather has cleared for a run tomorrow. I am amazed at how nonchalant I am about the 18 mile run this weekend. I am convinced that a slower pace and a 3/1 will be sufficient enough to get me through it without any pain. We'll see.



I was dismissed from jury duty this morning (due to hardship reasons) and I had an opportunity to go home and be with the kids and Julie a little longer before heading into work. We dropped Sophie off at school and there were a couple a times when I just stared at this little girl and was amazed. She is growing up so fast. He mind is absorbing so much knowledge from school and there are moments when she's like a teenager with her answers. And then, there are moments like last night when she was in tears because she was afraid of thunder. Not that we had any thunder, but the idea of it scared her to death.



Sophie is very sensitive and I sometimes fear that I may be too harsh on her. God, this is my worse fear. I fear that I'm too short or that I'm too loud and that this behavior will affect her for the rest of her life. I'm no head doctor, but I know enough to realize that these formative years are vital to her development. But what if it's too late? What if my stressed out behavior when Julie was in the hospital with Jake and that whole period of our lives has changed her in ways that won't become apparent until she's an adult?



Are these the same fears that all parents suffer? I wonder if it's just me. I look at other parents (Julie included) and I often think, "Why can't I be like (insert name here)."



And I can't use Cf as an excuse. No, that's not an excuse because this is just one part of our life. Granted, it's a big part of our life, but we've adapted, for the time being, to Jake's medicines and his routines. I'm sure we will have to adapt again sometime in the future.



Like I wrote in my follow up letter: I just want Sophie and Jake to have a long life together as brother and sister. I want them to experience everything that Julie and I did with our siblings. I would like them to grown up safe, healthy and full of love. I hope that that is happening already.



Enough of my rambling. I've lost my train of thought. So much for being a writer.



Aloha

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Our cat, Doodle, is moaning in the toy room while I write this. We bring her in at night and place her in a kennel. I sometimes hate doing this. Doodle used to be our favorite. But she urinated throughout the house when we moved in which caused us to have to get new carpeting. Doodle used to be the most affectionate cat, but, I don't know, I guess she got jealous of... everything? So, now she lives outside during the day and she sleeps in the toy room at night.



Yesterday's 10-mile run went quite well. I ran the whole way with Peter and another friend, Tony Bosco. I met Tony through training last year. He's running for City of Hope in honor of his mother. She passed away from cancer. The run was very smooth. My left knee started to act up toward the end. I'm not sure how much of the pain had to do with whatever injury I have to it or from possible restriction cause by the knee support I wear.



I must say this: I did not feel tired or achy at all after the run or for the entire day yesterday. After I got home, we pulled out a bunch of plants and planted new flowers in the flowerbed by the front door and in front of the garage. It was, like, a 4-5 hour job. But it looks great and I'm very happy that we did it. It was one of those projects that lingered in the back of our minds from the day we moved in. Completing this task makes the home feel that much more ours. Funny that after three years and the many things we've done to alter (and improve) the house, you can still feel like it's not entirely yours. At least, that's how I feel.



Sophie goes back to kindergarten tomorrow after a week off. Julie’s bummed. She really loves having Sophie home all day. But Sophie is so excited about getting back and seeing her friends and teacher. I'm so happy she's enjoying school.



The Malchus' and the Cruz's came over for dinner tonight. It was a gray, rainy day and the temperature was cool. I love this weather. It reminds me of Cleveland in the fall. Having our friends over for dinner was great.



We've decided to go back to Cleveland for Christmas and take some extra time. Two weeks! We haven't taken that long of a vacation in years. But I feel like we all really need it. With the trip coming so close after the marathon, it looks like December will be quite an eventful month.



Aloha.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Rode my bike this morning and had a relatively mellow day. I've begun work on a new script. It feels good to be writing and to have ideas swimming around in my head.



Last we checked, Wes was over $9000 and close to $10000. Incredible. He began the week with around $4000.



And to think that all of these people are donating based on our family and our little guy (oh yeah, and the fact that Wes is running 2 marathons).



I feel energized for tomorrow's run. Of course, it's only 10 miles. Trying to stay positive, though.



Aloha.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Almost didn't complete my run this morning. Outside forces have been wearing down on my state of mind and the farther I get out on runs, the more depressed I get. I'm having a difficult time shutting off my brain and just focusing on the running. Still, I did about 3 miles in under an hour and I feel ready for the ten mile run this weekend. Peter wants to extend it to 13 or 14 miles as he has missed some long runs. Not sure if I'm up for that.



I want to make mention of my friend Wes Stevens who has been fund raising for CF in Jacob's and our family's name. Wes and I have known each other ever since I began at Klasky Csupo. He is one of the voice over agents we deal with on a regular basis. We have always gotten along and he has been supportive of us ever since Jacob was diagnosed. As I have mentioned in previous entries, he raised $22K last year running the Honolulu marathon for AIDS Project LA. This year, when he decided to do another fundraiser, he offered to do it for the Cf Foundation and I pounced on his offer.



Well, he has raised his goal to $26,200 dollars, and to entice people, he has decided to run 2 marathons this fall. The first is this weekend in Columbus, Ohio. He has raised close to $8000 and hopes to make it to $10000 by the weekend. I'm including the context of his most recent letter below.



When I'm starting to feel low about the fundraiser this year, I'm going to try and remember that Wes will bring in a lot of money. That may not have happened if I hadn't approached him. And truthfully, part of my job is to also raise awareness. I think that Wes, in reaching out to all of the people he knows, is definitely spreading the awareness.



Here was his first letter:



Well it is that time again…time to lace up my running shoes, get up at the CRACK of dawn each weekend, eat goo, put on nipple guards and start running. And it is time once more for you to generously open your wallet and - while you will not get that “runner’s high (which is a big ol’ lie anyway) - you will get the giver’s high, or at least a little good karma.



Last year you helped me finish my first marathon, 26.2 miles and raise $22,000 for Aids Project Los Angeles. This year I am going twice the distance, TWO full marathons...52.4 miles for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.



My first marathon will be in two weeks, the Columbus Marathon on October 17th. Then I will strap on the shoes again on December 5th for the Orange County Marathon. My training is going well, I feel strong and I am ready to double my efforts of last year to help inspire friends, family and colleagues to go deeper and give more to a truly good cause.



I will share more updates and more statistics as we go, but the core truth is: Over 33,000 children in the United States are afflicted with the deadly pediatric disease Cystic Fibrosis. From breathing to digestion, nothing is easy for these children. The disease causes the body to produce abnormally thick mucus, creating life threatening lung infections and host of other problems. Only 50% of individuals with CF even survive to the age of 30.



I am running for Jacob, an adorable little guy who struggles with this disease every day. He is the son of Scott Malchus, a friend and a casting associate at Klasky Csupo. Last year Scott ran the Honolulu Marathon for CF and this year he is doing Orange County. Knowing how much we all helped raise for APLA last year, he asked if I would run for CF in December. When you meet Jacob, how can you say



no?



I am going twice the distance this year; help me make twice the difference. Give what you can. You can either mail me donations made out to



I’ve got a long way to go. I appreciate your support every step of the way. There will be updates to come.



Thank you for your generosity.





And this was his second letter:



Hey Scott. This is what went out last night. It garnered over $3k in donations in under 12 hours…WOW. First marathon is this weekend….Here I go



From: Wes Stevens

Sent: Wednesday, October 13, 2004 6:06 PM

Subject: The first 26.2 is HERE! Help me make it to 10K....





My first marathon weekend is upon me. I'm anxious, a bit insecure and simultaneously inspired and excited. This Sunday at 7 am I will begin the first leg of my TWO full marathons...52.4 miles for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.



In the short two weeks since my first email, we have already raised $4,000. THANK YOU.



As I prepare to lace up, tape up, hydrate, and quell my trepidation, I am imploring you to help me make it to $10k by this weekend. Every donation is an inspiration. It fills me with certain pride to know my friends, family and colleagues are truly a part of my run.



I have to say, this journey and the training, the first time I have trained for a marathon alone, has been much more personal. A few times, at 15 mile marks or sometimes less, when I feel like I've had enough, I think of Jacob Malchus. I see his cute mug and think of my friend Scott Malchus' family and the next mile comes a little easier (not painless, but easier).



I asked Scott if he could give me a better window into what his family and Jake go through, he replied (Scott, Jake and Sophie are in the shot below):



"In his short life, Jake's been fortunate to only be hospitalized three times. He continues to be in great health, with most of his medical issues falling into the digestive problems (common with the disease). For a child of almost three years, he does remarkably well with all of the medications he has to take.



With every meal or snack, Jacob must swallow digestive enzymes so that his body will absorb the nutrients from the food he’s eating. And three times a day, he must have breathing treatments using a nebulizer that creates a mist of medicines that go directly to his lungs. In addition, there are the medicines to help settle the acid in his stomach, and the various vitamins he must take. Of course, Jacob knows no other way of life. This disease will be with him the rest of his life."



The only way for Jacob's life to change, to experience a "normal" childhood is with a cure. That's what I'm running for and you are generously giving for…



I am going twice the distance this year; help me make twice the difference. Give what you can. You can either mail me donations made out to:



I’ve got a long way to go. I appreciate all of your support in word, thought and donation. Let's find a cure, I can run, you can give. Wish me luck this Sunday.





Pretty incredible. I hope everyone readn this will keep Wes in their thoughts an prayers this weekend.



Aloha





Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I can tell that the seasons have changed. I'm becoming so tired at the end of the day. Giving up coffee has been a good thing, though. I may be tired, but I'm not edgy.



Ran a good eight miles this weekend. I had no desire when I started the run, by about midway I was into a groove and I finished with decent results. Cut down a dead tree in the back yard and stressed about money, so it was a typical weekend for us here in the Malchus house.



We watched "Finding Nemo" for the first time and I cried my eyes out. The next night, Sophie told me she was afraid I was going to die. Where did that come from? I was a little thrown, at first, but I tried to assure her that I wouldn't be dying anytime soon. I guess it's normal at her age to start thinking about these things (I guess it's also normal for her to whimper through the night because she's afraid of mosquitoes in the bed... but that's another story).



I spent the weekend polishing a new letter that I sent out today. There were about 60 people on my list that I sent it to. Hopefully there will be some results. If not, I still feel pretty good that my friend Wes is kicking ass with his fundraiser. He's running the Columbus Marathon this weekend and his goal is to have $10K raised by then. His ultimate goal is a grand total of $26,200! He really feels confident that he'll achieve it. So, even if I can't reach my goal, at least I take comfort in knowing I brought Wes into the mix.



Tomorrow I'll post the email I received from him the other day. It was an inspiring email to read.



That's all for now.



Aloha

Thursday, October 07, 2004

I was listening to the radio this morning and the commentators were broadcasting from Columbus, Ohio. They were speaking to John Glenn as he drove from Cleveland back to Columbus. And at that moment, I was in Ohio, in a car driving down 71. I could feel the hot sun through the windshield that made me want to take off my coat, and maybe open the window a crack, but not too much because there was already a frigid chill in the air. I could see the gold and red leaves along the highway and the brick buildings that were built up on either side of the roads. And there weren’t a lot of cars. It was normal traffic. You drive 65 miles per hour and you get somewhere. The time it takes to get from Cleveland to Columbus is, sometimes, the same amount of time it takes me to drive the 30 miles it takes to get to work.



This sudden wave of feelings stopped me in my tracks. I was there. I wanted to be there.



For about five minutes I thought, this is a sign. Should we move back to Ohio?



Now I sit in my office, and I’m struggling to find meaning in what I’m doing. What am I doing with my life? Does everyone go through this torment? Am I being too dramatic?



Have to put these thoughts out of my head. I know what I’m doing with my life. And the most important job at hand is being a good father and trying to set a good example for those kids.



Anyone who is interested, there is a new pic on the donation site of the kids and me. Julie and I both have wanted a new picture for a while. I don’t like singling out Jake in our battle against CF. It’s a family fight. One we will win together.



Aloha



Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Every time I help put Sophie to bed (she likes us to sniggle her for 5 minutes), she and I go over all of the things she did at kindergarten that day. I didn't realize how much I enjoy this part of our day until tonight. We had just finished watching the Vice Presidential debate and it was time for bed. Soph and I cuddled in her bed and I thought she would go right to sleep. While laying there in silence, I suddenly felt like something was missing. I wanted to hear what she did that day.



I say that like I'm surprised because there are times when I feel like I'm the world's biggest crank and I have no patience. But at these times with Sophie, I really love hearing how much she is learning and how she is interacting with her classmates. I am so proud of our little girl. She has really embraced school and is doing excellent in her class work. We’re so lucky to have Sophie in our lives. You couldn't ask for a more loving daughter. And she's such a kind big sister it brings tears to my eyes when I see her playing with Jake.



See, that's one of the reasons I do this fundraiser. Those two. I want them to have a long, long future together. I want them to love and hate each other, to get along and fight. Basically, I want them to have the same wonderful relationship that Julie and I have both had with our siblings. This is what I pray for at night. Besides a cure, I pray that these two will have each other to fall back on their whole lives.



So that's how the night ended. I love those kids.



Ran for 40 minutes this morning. With two weeks of 10-mile runs, I feel like I can give myself a little break until next week as I gear up for the 18 mile run.



Aloha

Monday, October 04, 2004

Opted to get a little more rest this morning and I didn't ride my bike. That turned out to be the right choice as I'm ready to run tomorrow morning. The rest of the day was fine. Julie expressed concern about whether I might be able to finish the marathon. She wasn't as concerned about the physical parts as much as the mental challenges that I've been feeling this time around.



The more I think about how I performed on Saturday and the stupid way I ate and drank that day, the more I know I can complete the marathon. I just have to be smart and my body will let me do it. And I know that come that day I'll be jacked up and ready to run.



I need to stop thinking about the fundraising. I've done what I can and whatever money comes in, so be it. I know there are so many people out there that want to help and probably can't. I know those folks are sending prayers and well wishes to us for Jacob's health. In many ways, that is more important. I honestly feel that positive energy like that is a good thing and can have an effect on lives.



So, from this point on, no more complaining about the money. $4000 is a lot of money.



Julie took some great pictures yesterday, one of the kids and me will be going on the donation site and I hope to have it in a new letter I want to send out in a week or so. Those kids are so gorgeous. And they just bring a smile to your facer when you see them. They're so full of joy. I'm smiling now thinking about them.



My friend Geoff was on an NBC show tonight. He was the lead in "King's Highway." I'm glad he's starting to get a lot of exposure. Geoff is a great guy and very genuine in his feelings and concerns about other people.



Okay, that's all for now.



Aloha



P.S. I hope that all of you are registered to vote. This week is the deadline for most states.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

The recovery from yesterday has been difficult. My legs feel like cement and my upper body aches. Let's not talk about the knee. Celery. That's what it sounds like. I'm thinking I should call my self the Rice Krispies Man. All I do is snap, crackle and pop when I walk.



I am beginning to think I should have waited to run this second marathon. Maybe I should have done it next year. Maybe never. The time commitment is so hard. And my body is wasted. I don't have the energy I want... need to spend with the kids on the weekend. I don't have the energy to be a quality husband.



At times like this, when I'm feeling drained, I feel like I should have just run the half marathon. I mean, I can practically run that in my sleep, now. And the money's not coming in.







***************





And just as I wrote the previous woe is me passage, I went out to the living room to watch some of a Discovery Health Channel show that featured two people with CF. One, a 22 year old college student at USC, the other a 42 year old woman struggling to stay healthy. Fact: Only 50% of people with CF live to be older than 32. Fact: Only 5% of CF patients live into the 40's.



5%.







Saturday, October 02, 2004

Boy, I started out great this morning. I ran alone for the entire run (except for about 20 minutes when Robert tagged along with me). Relaxed and feeling very smooth, I thought the run was going to be a breeze. I began with a 5/1, but took it relatively slow. I wasn't pushing myself to break any records. And the first 10 miles went by without a hitch. In fact, I felt strong enough to switch up to a 6/1 for the last four miles.



Then my stomach stirred up a riot and my run broke down. First there were the gas pains (reminding me of that incident last year... for those of you who've read this blog for awhile, you know what I'm talking about). I was able to get through those pains, but then I got a stitch in my left side that prevented me from running at all. The last three miles were tough. Oh, they weren't unbearable, but they took a long time and sapped all of my energy. I wound up walking the lat mile. It was a let down, for sure, but not as disappointing as that Saturday a few weeks ago.



I know that that Super Foods green concoction in a bottle that I chugged on the way to Pasadena accounted for the gas pains. That drink combined with a too full stomach gave me the cramp in my side. It was the same thing I experienced in Hawaii. The only difference was that I wanted to finish the marathon so damn bad I just kept going.



When I got home, the morning really hit me like a brick. I've been wiped out all day. Still, I feel positive about the way I ran before I had to stop running. If I am able to take the same, relaxed, slower approach come marathon time, I believe I will do much better than Hawaii. I just have to stay away from the Power bars and getting too full in the morning.



So, I guess it's back to the Almonds. Ech.



Aloha

Friday, October 01, 2004

Heading into tomorrow's 16-mile run, I feel calm and relatively carefree. 16 miles? Big deal.



Of course, ask me tomorrow and it may be a different story.



Jake has been feeling better and his cold seems to be almost gone. Sophie didn't get sick at, thank goodness, so I believe our house is almost germ free. Then again, I've been feeling run down all week. Perhaps it's time to kick coffee again. With the nights getting longer and the mornings starting to chill out, I can't afford to get sick, especially as we head into the colder months.



Okay, it's decided. No coffee until the end of the marathon. Then I shall bathe in a tub of black gold, filled with cream and sugar! Now that was a little gross. So, not only will I be aching from my run, but I'm pretty sure my body is going to go through withdrawal at about, say... 3:00.



No new donations. I just did a rewrite on a script, so I'll take time to compose a new letter this weekend.



Aloha