Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Thanksgiving was really joy this year. Although the sadness of Kathy's death was felt by all, I really thought there was less stress than usual. All of the families had a wonderful time. We played football! I haven't done that in 12 years. I think it was the most enjoyable football game I've had since high school. Of course, I tweaked my knee and have been feeling a twinge ever since. I chose not to run Friday or Sunday, hoping the pain would subside. For the most part, I feel okay. I do get those occasional bouts of fear that I won't be able to walk in ten years or so. Have to push those aside... at least for another month.

Donations have begun to come in. I am happy to say that we've raised over $1000 so far. I'm not sure how much we'll raise this year. Every small bit counts, especially in a year that has seen two major catastrophes in the world.

I've been having some hard days lately. I think about the future and hate that I don't feel optimistic. I want to cry out to the world that my son is going to beat the odds... but there is a crushing feeling in my gut... another voice keeps saying the opposite. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for admitting these fears and feelings. I want to be full of hope. But too often, I just want to cry and say "why him? Why Jacob?" And I get pissed off at God and want to shout from the roof tops "Take me instead!"

But it doesn't work that way, now does it? I am so thankful for the hope and optimism of our family and friends. They lift me up... they lift us all up. Maybe it's the weather. I hate the cold. Or maybe I'm just feeling weak and useless. I can't fix Cf. I don't have that power. And soon, my body won't allow me to punish it anymore. Then what? What can I do that will inspire people to donate to this cause?

That's the real challenge. Keeping other people involved and supporting the search for a cure. I don't know how Julie can read about the effects of the illness and not be more downtrodden. Me? I feel like I'm betraying our family just writing these feelings. But you all have to know what it's like. You have to know about this rollercoaster. And don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry and say prayers for the people with CF. They're the ones who need you.

Have to go now.


Monday, November 21, 2005

Ran those 9 miles and man was it a mixture of toughness and just the will to finish the run. The first half, I almost didn't think I would finish. As I turned the corner to the my last half of the run, I wiped out and slammed my shoulder on the cement. Man, that hurt. I toughed it out though and I'm really glad I did it.

Still, not the most enjoyable morning. I was wiped out the rest of the day.

I've given up coffee for awhile (again). The past week I've felt so drained by the end of the day. Even now, at the end of my work day, I'm feeling so much more energized.

Big day for American Standard. There was an announcement in The Hollywood Reporter. Got my name in there and everything. Pretty damn cool. If I do say so myself.

That's all for today.


Friday, November 18, 2005

Been a tough week getting motivated to run. Lots of issues dealing with the whole writing thing. I know, stop complaining, right? Today is the last day of shooting for American Standard. That's pretty darn exciting. Let's all hope it turns out as great as we hope it can. After working a month on a project with Wes' friend, had to ditch it because there is an exact duplicate project going on with a big studio. That's been the frustrating and depressing element of the past couple days. Sometimes, being a writer sucks.

So, with the thought of having to come up with some new ideas, plus trying to thing of a plot for Soulless 2, I didn't run very long this morning. That's not good, since I have to run 9 miles this Sunday, Man, am I going to be hurting come Monday morning.

We've raised 800 dollars so far, which is pretty good all things considered. Not sure how much we'll end up raising this year. I started LATE and it's been a rough year for people financially. I received a great letter from a former co-worker, Lindsay Rogers. He used to work with me at Klasky Csupo and was a constant ray of support and optimism. The envelope was decorated by one of his daughters (at least, I assume it was one of his daughters). On it, there was a circle around the words Cystic Fibrosis with a slash through the words (think Ghostbusters). How thoughtful that they took the time not only to write a kind letter, but to show support and enthusiasm with the artwork. I think it is very touching.

Jake is on Pulmicort for a month, in place of his dosages of Cromolyn. Pulmicort is a steroid. He was put on it because he's had a cough every time he gets really excited (like running or, especially, when Sophie makes him laugh REALLY REALLY hard). I can't tell you how painful it is to write that he even has a small cough. I don't want to have these symptoms of Cf. I know that's selfish because there are so many kids sicker than Jake, but it's how I feel.

I've said this before, but it's worth repeating. You live your day in this sort of vacuum. A routine forms and the constant reminder of the illness kind of gets placed away somewhere where you don't collapse from angst and stress. But the moment you acknowledge that something has changed... that something may be getting worse... it's a little devastating. And a piece of you crumbles.

Running 9 miles suddenly seems like nothing.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Woke up to run on Sunday but the Santa Clarita Marathon had all of my regular running paths closed off. Decided to head home and spend time with the family. On Saturday, the kids and I prepped all of the letters and sent out 90. Each letter included two magnets. I also sent 120 to Beth, leaving me with around 200... or so I thought. Spoke with Dave this afternoon and he still has 500 more magnets. Yeesh.

Have to get up and run tomorrow and get back into the swing of things. I only have to run 6 miles this weekend, so I'm not too concerned that I missed last weekend. I nearly did 9 the previous weekend, so I believe I'll be fine.

Jake seems to have worked through most of his cold. He does have a little cough, though, which concerns us. Julie called the clinic this afternoon.

Heading home soon.


Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Did a long run on Sunday. 8 1/2 miles , maybe a little more. Turns out I only needed to do 6 miles and 8 this weekend. Perhaps I should pay attention to my training schedule. Nevertheless, I was very pleased with myself because I was able to switch up to a 4/1 run walk ratio half way through the run. When I was done, though... Oh boy, were my legs sore. Can getting older really mean this much pain?

speaking of getting older, yesterday was my birthday. The day began really nice, but then something turned while driving to work. I listened to some Springsteen and having that alone time in my car made me reflect on my age, what it means for CF patients, and how much I love my family. I was crying by the time I arrived in Burbank and never quite recovered until the end of the day.

Steve sent me some nice emails. Can't believe he remembers my birthday each year. I'm so lame to forget his. Well, I don't forget it. I just miss it... which may be worse. I mean, plan ahead Malchus.

In the end, I got home and the kids sand me a rousing version of the "Bear in the Blue House" birthday song, and I couldn't stop smiling. I am so lucky to have these two little ones love me so much. So often, I don't feel like a great dad. But I can see in their eyes that I'm doing an okay job. And Jules made a tremendous lasagna. After the kids were in bed, we just cuddled. I had told her about my stress, and she really helped me relax and comforted me.

Don't know if 36 is significant year, but I'll remember this one.

Got up and ran this morning, but only managed 20 minutes. I think that knowing I wouldn't have to increase my mileage this week allowed me to slack a bit.

The letter is written./ The magnets are in (and look awesome...thanks Dave.) Everything gets shipped this weekend. Hopefully the emails will go out sooner. No promises.