Tuesday, May 02, 2006

This is the way...

My heart is breaking right now. I can't help thinking about Matt's final day and his struggle with his bulemia and whatever other disorders he was suffering from. After my converation with Elliott last night, it feels like he wanted it to end. I'll never know for certain, but Elliott mentioned this. And if he was in pain, so much pain, from starving, from depression, from his body breaking down, from needles, it is likely that he may have given in. And this is the saddest fact that I am having to accept. That a man who was so full of life had become complacent and ready to give up.

But I will never know. I said once that I thought he was slowly discommunicating himself with all of the people he loved. but Elliott insists that he still talked about our friendship. Maybe it's guilt I'm feeling. The grayness the skies this morning and the dim lighting in the office have put me in a mood. And I've begun haning posters for the CF walk, seeking donations.

I feel like time is slamming past me right now. I feel like there are so many damn things to deal with. Life is not simple. And I keep thinking of Matt, alone, dying. I keep hearing TS Eliot in my ears, his craggy voice reading "The Hollow Men".

"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper."

At one time, he was a meteor of energy and fire. In the ne dhe was just human,

There has to be something to learn from this. I'm just trying to figue it out.