Sunday, November 30, 2003

A rare Sunday entry.



Everyone seems to be fighting this cold. Jules and I woke up worse for the wear (you have to feel crappier before you feel better, right?) and the kids just feel out of sorts.



The day was pretty mellow, a bunch of errands and some household chores. We took the kids to lunch at El Pollo Loco and that's when I started to lose it. Neither of them would eat anything and only wanted to play in the jungle-gym area. And I couldn't help but feel, "Man, we spent MONEY on this food, and it's going to be thrown away."



And I was forceful in my tone of voice with Sophie, especially, and this black cloud just stayed over me the rest of the afternoon. Later on, when we were getting ready for dinner, Sophie, being a 5 year old, complained about having to pick up the living room by herself. And again, I had this... tone. And I used it on her and I walked away, angry. Moments later, Julie took me a side and told me that I sound "angry. And (my) voice is scary."



Scary?



Who have I become? I'd like to use some excuse that it's the coffee or the pressure of the marathon or that subconsciously there's something about CF tied up in my behavior. But that would be a load of crap. I'm like my father in so many ways and it comes out when I'm frustrated with the kids. I wish I could stop myself before these moments rise to the surface.



Where is this anger coming from? I can't blame it on my childhood. That's not it. It's something else.



Am I being hard on myself? And am I projecting the high expectations I have for myself on to my kids? Sometimes I hear Sophie sound sad because she thinks something she’s done isn't good enough. Where is THAT coming from?



Lately I can feel my whole body being tense at all times. I can feel this huge relief when I take off my shirt at night, like the chains of the day have been stripped.



I'd like to think it was the marathon or job related or something to do with CF. Maybe it's all of those. But I have to find some way to get in touch with this bottled...raw energy and release it somewhere else besides towards my family. Lord knows we have enough to deal with already.



Two weeks until the marathon.



Aloha

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