Skip to main content

Good God! Where Have You Been?!

I logged on tonight thinking I would just give a brief update of where the hell I've been all month. My three or four readers have been desperate to know my whereabouts (thanking you for writing Ken in Witchita). Before I could get online, though, I spoke with Matt's brother, Elliott (who will no longer be identified as Matt's brother and will simply be known as Elliott). Whenever Elliott calls, I know it's going to be emotional. That's fine with me, because Elliott slowly reveals more about my deceased friend that I didn't know, nor would I have ever known if Elliott didn't want to include me in his life. It started as a fun call, bullshitting about the Twilight Zone (still one of the most influential shows in my life) and evolved into an intense discussion about our relationships with Matt.

Then Elliott did something truly heart warming and unexpected. He changed the course and asked me about Jacob and what he has to go through. He wanted to know about the struggles that I (and we) have. And I thought this was so remarkable considering the wedged that kind of got pushed between Matt and me was about CF. As I heard myself describing Jacob's daily routine, it didn't feel real to me. I felt like I was just reiterating some facts to someone. I hate when that happens. I want people to understand the first time. I don't want people to think we have a handle on it. I want them to feel the pain.

That's where I've been. I've been dealing with stress from the upcoming Great Strides. Each year as it approaches, I bury the stress and pain of gathering with other CF families. It brings me to tears. I sometimes hate it. CF has been on my mind in my writing too. I have been completing a new script that has a character who has CF.

I'm not trying to get on my soapbox with the script. It isn't a message film. But an opportunity was presented to me in which I would be allowed to write about the disease that effects my family... to try and put it in a realistic and positive light. Can I pass up an opportunity like that? What if that opportunity never comes again? Isn't it my responsibility to use whatever skills I have to raise awareness and help find a cure? That's the way I am looking at it.

I didn't start this blog for it to become a daily diatribe about Matt's death or cystic fibrosis. But those seem to be the only topics I'm not hesitant to open up about. Well, not anymore. What have I to lose if I don't criticize the bad films I've seen or give reviews of the great music or websites I've discovered.

Today is technically May 2, but I'm making this entry for May 1. A new month. A time to refresh myself and look inward.

Aloha.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

MARATHON FOOTNOTES (for those who didn't think I would really footnote a stream of consciousness thought): Footnote #1 Academy Award Winning Best Picture Films from 1969 to the Present: Midnight Cowboy, Patton, The French Connection, The Godfather, The Sting, The Godfather II, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Rocky, Annie Hall, The Deer Hunter, Kramer Vs. Kramer, Ordinary People, Chariots of Fire, Gandhi, Terms of Endearment, Amadeus, Out of Africa, Platoon, The Last Emperor, Rain Man, Driving Miss Daisy, Dances With Wolves, The Silence of the Lambs, Unforgiven, Schindler’s List, Forrest Gump, Braveheart, The English Patient, Titanic, Shakespeare in Love, American Beauty, Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Chicago, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Footnote #2 Members of the band YES, from 1969 to the present: In 1969, Yes is formed with Jon Anderson on vocals Peter Banks on guitar, Bill Bruford on drums, Tony Kaye on keyboards and Chris Squire playing bass. This group records
42 comments
Read more

The Beginning of an Explanation

When I dropped off of the Internet, it wasn't meant to be a years long sabbatical. I thought I just needed a break; that I was getting burned out from writing Basement Songs and movie reviews for Popdose.com. Something cracked, though, and I couldn't consider writing even in a journal for a very long time. Things changed in the winter of 2017. While driving to pick up Jacob at theater rehearsal, I experienced my first panic attack. It started immediately after he got in the car at the theater and it slowly took over my body for the fifteen minute drive home. My skin became clammy and I felt myself removed from my body. My brain was empty and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I gutted it out until we walked through the front door. Without saying a word, I went upstairs, crawled into bed and got in the fetal position. I just wanted to close my eyes and shut out the world. The next morning I awoke exhausted, as if I'd exercised the previous day. That was the first time
3 comments
Read more

The End of the Explanation

I don't want to drag this out for a series of extended posts; there's no need to go into the minute details. So I'll wrap up my ongoing mental health journey with this post. After I basically quit writing, I began the work on myself. From 2017 to the middle of 2019, the only things I wrote were 10 minute dramas for our church, and let me tell you, even those were a challenge. But when God gives you a deadline, you don't mess around. There was a real depression that came with the relief of not writing or worrying about writing scripts. Again, if I wasn't writing, what was I doing? I really struggled with this question because we had moved from Ohio to Los Angeles so I could pursue a career in film. Even though I'd written and directed a movie, and sold a script, in my mind that wasn't good enough. I couldn't appreciate all of the great things in my life, and the solid career that I had forged in animation over 18 years. It took some real work: a lot o
Post a Comment
Read more