It's been a long couple of months, working through a lot of emotional crap. December is always a tough month for us. It was in December that Jake was diagnosed and that month carries a sad anniversary each year. It's not that I want to be moody or weepy. Quite the contrary. I love the Christmas holidays and would love to be happy for 30 consecutive days. It just isn't so.
The only thing that gets me through those times is the love and affection of my wife and children. No matter how many tears fall (and believe me, I cried a lot between December and just a couple of weeks ago), a simple hug from Sophie or Jake or that morning kiss as I leave the house for work is enough to boost my spirits.
For the new year, I hope to write much more on this blog. I began with such confidence last year, and then quickly lost my spark. I believe some of that had to do with the script I have been struggling with since last June. I am accustomed to working through my first drafts at a quick pace. When I get in a groove, the pages will fly out of me in a flurry. Writing 10-20 pages in one sitting is not uncommon for me. But I have been working with a manager who has me writing in a different method. 20 pages at a time. My rhythm is off and each time he comes back with criticisms of the work, my confidence goes down another notch.
I have been timid about discussing this project and its progress for some reason. I guess I thought some executive might come across my comments and I could possible burn a bridge. Who am I kidding? I wager to say that if I had been openly writing about my fears and doubts concerning this script, I would have freed myself of a great deal of writers block and stress. Add to the mix that our family is stretched pretty thin financially and you can see where the spiral downward begins. "I'm not good enough." "If I'm not good enough, that means I'll never sell another script." "If I never sell another script, we are screwed."
My family depends on me. Am I being selfish continuing to pursue my dream? Has my dream been realized? I mean, I wrote and directed a feature (albeit, one that hasn't sold) and I sold a script that was produced (and eventually sold to Lifetime television). By many accounts, I have succeeded in my pursuits.
But it's not good enough. I'm not living as a full time writer.