Lately when I try to come up with a topic for these entries, I feel like a phony. Good God, what could I possibly have to say that a) has any importance considering the well written and emotional blogs out there (like this one that Julie reads daily) and b) I haven't already written about before. I mean, really, who wants to hear me gripe about my job one more time, huh? Moreover, I'm really trying o stay committed to the Popdose writing. The basement entries take a lot out of me; I'm doing my best to give them a couple of drafts before posting them. And the TV column is so new and alien to me. I'm not even sure if my opinion is worth a grain of salt.
That said, I have received an insane amount of response to an article I wrote about "October Road", ABC's series that co-starred Geoff Stults, the actor who carried King's Highway on his shoulders. That's kind of cool huh?
I am hoping that once I get into my real training for the marathon in the fall that I will have some profound, life affirming anecdotes to write about, sort of like Zen and the Art of Marathon Training Fundraising (maybe I can call a book that someday).
I'm frustrated with myself on a regular basis. I feel like a failure ninety percent of the time and I feel such a lack of inspiration that there have been times these past six months when I wonder "what was it like to feel inspired?" Has the film industry finally worn me down to the point that I just don't give a shit any more? There is a small part of me that says yes. I hate acknowledging that voice. I hate that voice, like it's the devil in my ear.
Yesterday I had an excellent end to my long run. I say "end" because my mind was not into the start of it. I slept in longer than I'm used to (I didn't run until 7:00) and my legs were tired. Luckily I had some new songs on the MP3 player (let's call it "gray matter" from now on). I downloaded the new R.E.M. single (legally... don't get your panties in a bunch) and it got me through a couple of stops. I also added the most beautiful song by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, "Stick with me Baby". The melody is treated hauntingly and the two of them sing with such tenderness. The lyrics remind me of Julie every time. However, when I heard the song yesterday, the gravity of why I'm running this new marathon really slammed me.
I'm running for my boy.
You know, just writing that phrase makes me tear up. I'm running for my boy. That's enough to give me an extra push when I'm feeling low. And when I attack those hills, the phrase that keeps coming out of my mouth in a guttural growl is "fuck you, cystic fibrosis."
Springsteen is tomorrow night. I'm pretty damn stoked, let me tell you. I hope to sneak our camera in and take a few snapshots. I know you're all waiting with baited breath.