Saturday, February 04, 2006

A quick post before I call it a night. Got through most of the day without any disruptions. But the weight of Matt's death was suddenly upon me as the day came to an end. Thought I was handling it. The worse part is that I projected some of this anxiety out to the family and every little thing I did that was wrong only grew in size. I forgot Jake's enzymes and didn't realize it until we were in the Target parking lot. Instead of trying to laugh it off, I got so damn pissed at myself. Why can't I remember? God bless Sophie who tries to make me feel better. And I know I was wearing the Budd, Sr. face the whole time. This isn't who I want my kids to think I am. This isn't the kind of man I want to be.

Is there something more going on here? Is this whole anniversary just a reason for me to be sad? What am I missing?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.


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