Thunderbolt

A quick post before I call it a night. Got through most of the day without any disruptions. But the weight of Matt's death was suddenly upon me as the day came to an end. Thought I was handling it. The worse part is that I projected some of this anxiety out to the family and every little thing I did that was wrong only grew in size. I forgot Jake's enzymes and didn't realize it until we were in the Target parking lot. Instead of trying to laugh it off, I got so damn pissed at myself. Why can't I remember? God bless Sophie who tries to make me feel better. And I know I was wearing the Budd, Sr. face the whole time. This isn't who I want my kids to think I am. This isn't the kind of man I want to be.

Is there something more going on here? Is this whole anniversary just a reason for me to be sad? What am I missing?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Aloha

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

MARATHON FOOTNOTES (for those who didn't think I would really footnote a stream of consciousness thought): Footnote #1 Academy Award Winning Best Picture Films from 1969 to the Present: Midnight Cowboy, Patton, The French Connection, The Godfather, The Sting, The Godfather II, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Rocky, Annie Hall, The Deer Hunter, Kramer Vs. Kramer, Ordinary People, Chariots of Fire, Gandhi, Terms of Endearment, Amadeus, Out of Africa, Platoon, The Last Emperor, Rain Man, Driving Miss Daisy, Dances With Wolves, The Silence of the Lambs, Unforgiven, Schindler’s List, Forrest Gump, Braveheart, The English Patient, Titanic, Shakespeare in Love, American Beauty, Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Chicago, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Footnote #2 Members of the band YES, from 1969 to the present: In 1969, Yes is formed with Jon Anderson on vocals Peter Banks on guitar, Bill Bruford on drums, Tony Kaye on keyboards and Chris Squire playing bass. This group records...

100 and Counting: Introducing The Epic Playlist

It started as all playlists do, an occasion that justified music for entertainment. In this case, it was a couples weekend getaway back in February. Super Dave proposed that he and I provide the tunes and we started a Spotify playlist: three songs at a time, no song repeats, no artist repeats. Dave would add his three, then text me that it was my turn. I would then add my three text him back. This cycle repeated until three hundred songs were compiled, and we drove off to Mammoth with our wives. A funny thing happened, though, it turned out we both enjoyed the challenge of trying to surprise or outdo the other so much that we continued building the playlist. We made a new rule of just three songs each a day and still no artist repeats. Soon, we came up with amendments to allow duets (The Emmylou Exception), multiple songs by the same band if said band had multiple lead singers (The Beatles Exception), or if there was a lead singer replacement that changed the artistic direction of ...

A Short Tribute to Jacob on his 23rd Birthday

Jacob turns 23 today. As I write this, he's in the other room watching Deadpool and Wolverine laughing his ass off. I love that he's held on to his affection for comic books and video games into adulthood and how he's able to quote a movie after seeing it only once. What I love more is that he remains a caring and empathetic human being, despite the hardships he's faced in life, that he continues to be funny and creative, that he's passionate about the issues that are important to him, in particular LGBTQ rights, and that he's supportive of his friends, his sister, and all of his cousins. Is he perfect? I don't give a shit. He's my son and I'm so damn proud of him. He's a fighter and he inspires me almost every day. I started blogging 21 years ago, as I began training for a marathon to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. If you dig around in the "Thunderbolt" archives, you'll find updates on his health, the many Basem...