Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Today is an overcast, gray morning and the summer heat has cooled to an autumn-like temperature. My back is acting up again, the first time in over a year. The stress of our financial burdens is pressing down on me once again. I should have predicted this back pain coming. My limbs have ached at nighttime for over a month now. Of course, at that time of the night I'm not thinking that it is stress and fear attacking my body. At that time of the night I'm usually thinking that I've been afflicted with early rheumatoid arthritis or some other debilitating disease.

It's not that we're any worse off than I thought we would be at this point in the year. I just thought we would be able to make the dollar stretch a little better. Not anyone's fault, just the way of the world really. And yet, I still dream that I'll be able to raise a million dollars to fund a low budget movie and place our woes at bay for a while.

These are the days when I feel so blessed that I am married to a woman as loving and strong as Julie. Despite my black mood all day yesterday, she remained bright and somehow positive, even after spending all day with two wily children. Man, I blew it later in the evening when we were on a pleasant walk through the neighborhood. The sun was setting and the weather was so agreeable. As Sophie and Jake rode the bike and scooter in front of us, the two of us compared the other houses in the neighborhood to ours. In the coming months, we plan to repair and paint the front of our own home. I was tired, cranky, and let slip a stupid remark that hurt her feelings. Damn, how I wish I could have those thirty seconds back.

What I said is irrelevant in this forum. Why I said it had less to do with what we were discussing and more to do with the frustration I have been feeling. The helplessness. The uselessness. There are better ways to express these feelings. I know it. We all know it. If I just sit back, take a deep breath and relax on occasion, a solution may present itself to me. Then maybe I won't lash out at my loved ones and my back won't constrict itself into a crippling knot.

Ah, the beauty of there always being another day to try again, eh?


No comments: