Last night I went for an incredibly awesome run at 10:00 PM. I overslept my 5 AM wakeup and was pissed throughout the day until deciding to makeup for the missed morning marathon and exercise at night. It was the best decision I've made in a while. With my legs awake an loose from a full day of activity, I had no problem getting right into a groove. I found a great pace and was able to maintain it for most of the run. Additionally, I ran a longer distance than I have in some time. Without the pressure of getting home in time to see the kids off to school and get ready for work, I was able to relax and push myself a little bit. I hope that I will be able to continue running at night up until the half marathon in November. Granted, it was dark out and there were a few nerve racking moments running through underpasses, but I certainly enjoyed myself a lot more than I have in ages.
When I dropped off of the Internet, it wasn't meant to be a years long sabbatical. I thought I just needed a break; that I was getting burned out from writing Basement Songs and movie reviews for Popdose.com. Something cracked, though, and I couldn't consider writing even in a journal for a very long time. Things changed in the winter of 2017. While driving to pick up Jacob at theater rehearsal, I experienced my first panic attack. It started immediately after he got in the car at the theater and it slowly took over my body for the fifteen minute drive home. My skin became clammy and I felt myself removed from my body. My brain was empty and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I gutted it out until we walked through the front door. Without saying a word, I went upstairs, crawled into bed and got in the fetal position. I just wanted to close my eyes and shut out the world. The next morning I awoke exhausted, as if I'd exercised the previous day. That was the first time
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Good to read you like this.
Hang in there.
J