Skip to main content
I used to love the Academy Awards when I was in college through the early years of our marriage. I dreamed of walking up on that stage someday and having an acceptance speech ready. I imagined what it would be like to thank my friends and family and then be able to look out into the audience and see Julie's huge smile and bright blue eyes that would have stood out in a room full of fake smiles. There would have been tears (because I'm a crybaby); I would have thanked my parents and possibly recounted the VCR story. And then our lives would have changed for the better. We wouldn't have had to worry about anything.

That all changed when we moved up here and Jacob was diagnosed with CF. The priorities changed and being popular wasn't as important as making sure we had health care and that Jacob and Sophie remained healthy. In essence, I compromised.

And I would do it again in a second.

I watched the Academy Awards tonight and I did not feel the pangs of envy or the desire to be sitting in the audience. I was entertained, sure, but I was not invested. Perhaps I'm a little jaded from watching how an Oscar campaign is run. And it is a campaign. Trying to win an award is political. It is about who you know, having the right PR people getting word about your movie to the right people, and often it is about the timing of the release of a movie. If you're missing any of these elements, it doesn't matter how good your film is, or how many people like it despite the flaws, if you're missing one element, your chances of getting awards notice are more difficult.

Maybe turning 40 has given me new perspective after all. I came out here to tell stories. It's what I always wanted to do. It's when I decided that I had to be an artist, that I had to tell stories with meaning that I sort of lost my way. Took me ten years to feel like a writer again. I have the book to thank for that. Whether or not it ever gets published, I am still happy that I wrote it.

As for the Academy Awards, I don't care whether I'm ever even invited. The only awards ceremonies I want to attend anymore are the ones honoring my kids. those are the only awards that matter.


Popular posts from this blog

MARATHON FOOTNOTES (for those who didn't think I would really footnote a stream of consciousness thought): Footnote #1 Academy Award Winning Best Picture Films from 1969 to the Present: Midnight Cowboy, Patton, The French Connection, The Godfather, The Sting, The Godfather II, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Rocky, Annie Hall, The Deer Hunter, Kramer Vs. Kramer, Ordinary People, Chariots of Fire, Gandhi, Terms of Endearment, Amadeus, Out of Africa, Platoon, The Last Emperor, Rain Man, Driving Miss Daisy, Dances With Wolves, The Silence of the Lambs, Unforgiven, Schindler’s List, Forrest Gump, Braveheart, The English Patient, Titanic, Shakespeare in Love, American Beauty, Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Chicago, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Footnote #2 Members of the band YES, from 1969 to the present: In 1969, Yes is formed with Jon Anderson on vocals Peter Banks on guitar, Bill Bruford on drums, Tony Kaye on keyboards and Chris Squire playing bass. This group records

The Beginning of an Explanation

When I dropped off of the Internet, it wasn't meant to be a years long sabbatical. I thought I just needed a break; that I was getting burned out from writing Basement Songs and movie reviews for Something cracked, though, and I couldn't consider writing even in a journal for a very long time. Things changed in the winter of 2017. While driving to pick up Jacob at theater rehearsal, I experienced my first panic attack. It started immediately after he got in the car at the theater and it slowly took over my body for the fifteen minute drive home. My skin became clammy and I felt myself removed from my body. My brain was empty and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I gutted it out until we walked through the front door. Without saying a word, I went upstairs, crawled into bed and got in the fetal position. I just wanted to close my eyes and shut out the world. The next morning I awoke exhausted, as if I'd exercised the previous day. That was the first time

The End of the Explanation

I don't want to drag this out for a series of extended posts; there's no need to go into the minute details. So I'll wrap up my ongoing mental health journey with this post. After I basically quit writing, I began the work on myself. From 2017 to the middle of 2019, the only things I wrote were 10 minute dramas for our church, and let me tell you, even those were a challenge. But when God gives you a deadline, you don't mess around. There was a real depression that came with the relief of not writing or worrying about writing scripts. Again, if I wasn't writing, what was I doing? I really struggled with this question because we had moved from Ohio to Los Angeles so I could pursue a career in film. Even though I'd written and directed a movie, and sold a script, in my mind that wasn't good enough. I couldn't appreciate all of the great things in my life, and the solid career that I had forged in animation over 18 years. It took some real work: a lot o