Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Ran a hard 4 miles this morning. It felt good. Having those 3 days to sleep in had an effect on my body, though; I couldn't get up at 5:30 when the clock went off. Woke up at 6:15 and ran without anything in my stomach. I don't know whether that was too smart, but I found myself pushing harder just to get home and eat something.



Not having a great day overall.



Don’t know what my deal is, I'm in a funk today. I feel like my world is passing me by, that I'm stuck where I am and that I'll never achieve the kind of success I've always dreamed about.



Why do I get this way? I just wish I could sit back and say "Hey, you made a movie that's been well received." But then I think, "But people in Maine can't see it and it doesn't get into any festivals."



I should be able to sit back and say, "I have two wonderful children, a wife who loves me, and I have a steady job." But it doesn't have anything to do with that. I've invested so much time and energy into achieving this damn dream that whenever there is a lull, I feel let down. I feel like a failure. Ridiculous. There are people freaking dying out there and I'M WORRIED ABOUT MAKING MOVIES... again.



Pathetic.



I think it's this creative restlessness I have brewing inside. I want to write something, but it can't come out fast enough. And I don't have the energy to write a while script in one night. Or even a short story.



Jake had an appointment at Children's yesterday. This was his first checkup in 67 weeks. He gained 3/4 of a pound. Wait a minute; did I just write 3/4 of a POUND?? He didn't even gain a pound? And the doctors were pleased with what he'd gained.



3/4 of a pound.



This is what it's going to be like. The little guy is really going to be just that, little. I swear to God that if anyone ever makes fun of his size I'll find them and kick their ass. On a brighter note, he grew in height and is now, barely, in the lower third percentile for children his age. He, like, just made it on the line.



I have this CF related story I've been developing for about six months. It just kind of came to me suddenly and a lot of the elements seem to be falling into place. Should this be the next thing I work on? I don't know.



I've been questioning what I’m really supposed to do with myself. I used to think that God gave me these gifts of writing for a reason. I felt that I was supposed to use these gifts to make the world a better place. Is this what he's telling me? Write about the CF? Write about something human and shy away from the genre stuff?



A sign. That's all I'm asking for. Something simple to lift me up again.



S



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