Wednesday, October 20, 2004

It has rained the past 24 hours. Not a light drizzle, but a downpour. Luckily I was able to get in a run yesterday morning and now it appears that the weather has cleared for a run tomorrow. I am amazed at how nonchalant I am about the 18 mile run this weekend. I am convinced that a slower pace and a 3/1 will be sufficient enough to get me through it without any pain. We'll see.

I was dismissed from jury duty this morning (due to hardship reasons) and I had an opportunity to go home and be with the kids and Julie a little longer before heading into work. We dropped Sophie off at school and there were a couple a times when I just stared at this little girl and was amazed. She is growing up so fast. He mind is absorbing so much knowledge from school and there are moments when she's like a teenager with her answers. And then, there are moments like last night when she was in tears because she was afraid of thunder. Not that we had any thunder, but the idea of it scared her to death.

Sophie is very sensitive and I sometimes fear that I may be too harsh on her. God, this is my worse fear. I fear that I'm too short or that I'm too loud and that this behavior will affect her for the rest of her life. I'm no head doctor, but I know enough to realize that these formative years are vital to her development. But what if it's too late? What if my stressed out behavior when Julie was in the hospital with Jake and that whole period of our lives has changed her in ways that won't become apparent until she's an adult?

Are these the same fears that all parents suffer? I wonder if it's just me. I look at other parents (Julie included) and I often think, "Why can't I be like (insert name here)."

And I can't use Cf as an excuse. No, that's not an excuse because this is just one part of our life. Granted, it's a big part of our life, but we've adapted, for the time being, to Jake's medicines and his routines. I'm sure we will have to adapt again sometime in the future.

Like I wrote in my follow up letter: I just want Sophie and Jake to have a long life together as brother and sister. I want them to experience everything that Julie and I did with our siblings. I would like them to grown up safe, healthy and full of love. I hope that that is happening already.

Enough of my rambling. I've lost my train of thought. So much for being a writer.


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