Monday, August 29, 2005

The memorial service was lovely and the tribute to Kathy was very heartwarming. Karyn, Cindy and Ginger all got up to speak (as did her brother, Tony) and I can't believe that they were able to keep it together. I know that people talk about there being a sense of "closure" once the funeral takes place (I've even said that), but there really isn't, is there? Just because you spend a day speaking loving words and looking at pictures and greeting relatives you haven't seen in decades (or ever met) and friends paying respect and listening to your loved one's favorite songs (or songs chosen at random by someone trying to help out) and drinking away your sorrows and crying, crying, crying and finally crying one last time until you're too exhausted to keep your eyes open doesn't make the pain go away or the fact that your mother, sister, aunt, or best friend died and you'll never be able to hug them again in this life.

A part of you is missing now. And even thought my situation with Matt is so very much different than what these women are going through, I still understand a little of the pain.

Now begins the difficult task of returning to whatever is expected to be normalcy in their lives. But, there is no normal anymore because those frequent phone calls and the visits once a month aren't going to happen ever again. And that, I feel, is the most devastating part about death. The finality.

You want to know what scares me the most about Cystic fibrosis. It's that finality that looms over ever victim's life. That finality that pushes you harder to try and make things better and that finality that leads to the guilt and shame when you aren't trying hard enough.

Kathy was a remarkable woman, more so than I ever knew. And in her death she was watching over our family in more ways than one. On Thursday we were informed that we were to inherit her car. I was shocked and felt so blessed. I have been worrying so much about my car giving out and the idea of having a car payment is so daunting. This was her first gift to us over the weekend. The second came on Saturday night returning from Lakewood. Our van began to make some strange noises and didn't feel like it was running properly. Just as we pulled into our drive way, it began making a terrible grinding noise that could only indicate trouble.

Sure enough, the van broke down on us Sunday morning just around the corner from our house and it needs a new transmission. Expensive? Hell yes, kimosabes. But can you imagine what it would have been like to have our car breakdown two hours from home, at 10:00 pm on a congested freeway and two sleeping kids in the van. Kathy guided us home that night and made sure we arrived safely. I know this sounds all new age touchy feely, but her spirit was with us. There is no other explanation in my mind.

God bless Kathy wherever her spirit is roaming now. And I hope she bumps into Matt up there. I know he would like Kathy.


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