Thursday, November 06, 2008

Another hard week is almost under our belt. Man, Jake had a really hard morning yesterday and it just wiped us out. I was on the verge of breaking down each minute. Coupled with a major letdown at work and I wasn't in good shape.

Today was much better.

Truth is, with Jake's birthday rapidly approaching and the race two days later, I been having some pretty heavy thoughts lately. Dark, terrible thoughts that crush my heart like and empty water bottle being compressed by a fist. On Monday, as we laid in bed trying to get to sleep, Jake was in the middle of our bed. He had this deep, horrendous cough that toook his breath away ad rattled his bones. Somehow he was able to get to sleep. I prayed hard that night. I clenched my hands together and pleased with GOd to watch over this little boy.

Damn it, it's not fair.

I should be in a joyous mood, ready to celebrate the life of my baby, and I can't escape the darkness perched just out of sight, in the back of my mind. Fuck you, asshole. That's what I want to say top the thoughts and and the anger.

Blessed. I'm blessed to have the arms of my kids to squeeze out the shit and make me feel better. I'm blessed to have people like Steve and Sara and Karyn and, thank God, Julie, my wonderful Julie, to keep my head above water. I felt like I was slipping a couple of times last week, but things are feeling better.

No, they are. I just needed to get that off of my chest.


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