Another rough morning in the Malchus household. Jake didn't want to do his breathers and had a melt down. Who can blame him? I wouldn't want to be strapped into a vinyl vest with velcro straps and have to hold a nebulizer cup up to my face first thing in the morning. When he has these fits, I really have to wonder whether it's just rebellion (like any 5 year old) or that he psychologically feels that it isn't fair that HE has to do breathers while the rest of us eat or breakfast as we get ready for the day.
I hate it. Finally, I was able to calm him down and sit with him. But I was crying, man.
The thing is, lately, I have this fear of being seen crying. Like, I won't cry in front of Julie and when Steve was asking me questions about how I'm doing, I had to look away or suffer another Dodger Stadium meltdown like the Springsteen concert (for those of you who don't know, I attended a Boss show in 2003 with my brother. It was a brilliant show in Dodger Stadium. However, Budd and I got drunk. And during the song "You're Missing" I lost it. I melted down into my brother's shoulder.) It seems like crying and Scott go hand in hand lately. Just a simple thought and I'm on the verge of tears. You know, that sharp pain in your nose type of feeling? Yeah, that's what I live with.
Sometimes I wish I could just shout and have a tantrum like Jake. I wish I could just let it all out in one fell swoop. It doesn't work that way, though. So I relegate my tears for the car rides home or in seclusion at my desk. Embarrassed more than ashamed, I just don't undertsand how I became this man. When I was much younger, in high school, I felt like I was so in tune with my emotions. I felt like I was so much more honest and able to exporess how I felt so much better (if I could avoid using "so" in sentance, in would make me a so much better writer).
I guess Dylan was right. I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.
All of these emotions tangled up inside me have done a number on any inspiration I may have had to write these days.