Sunday, January 08, 2006

Sunday Night Blues

So I'm laying in the middle of the living room with a two ton elephant standing on my chest, wondering, "How did this day turn so dark so fast."

Sophie's party last night was wonderful. She and her little girl friends all had a great time. At times, the laughter and screaming was like a group of banshees... But in a good way. A fun way. Julie did a fantastic job entertaining them most of the night. I checked in and kept Jake occupied with "Spider Man" on the mini DVD player.

Then, after waking up around 6 am, they played for another good four hours. Amazing, the amount of energy they had. Finally, I took Sophie to see "Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe" with Max, Zach and Kyra (who had come down the mountain for the party).

So how did I end up curled in a ball in the living room? Well, I shouldn't have done the bills. The hoolidays have caught up with us. I get so stressed about money and I sometimes feel like it's a boulder I can;'t get out from under. I just feel so much dread and I'm tired of it. I tired of being so stressed. I'm tired of being bitter. But most of all, I just so damn tired of being scared.

Julie is torn about sending Jake to pre-school beginning tomorrow. He's nervous and I know that she is very sad that he's starting some kind of schooling away from home. Their lives will never be the same. It will never be just the two of them alone all of the time anymore. Even as I write this, I'm wiping tears away because it means that Jake is getting older.

There's a part of me that wants him to always remain our little boy. But there's also this part of me who wants him to grow up. I want Jake to grow old, to be a hundred. It's a defiant part of me. I want to prove all of these CF experts wrong. And I want to prove it to them sooner than later. I want him to grow up to be stronger and healthier than they ever could have expected. That's the optimistic side of me. That's the part of me that prays for the best. And then there's the other side... the darker side...

Maybe it's the reality of the race being this week and I'm just being sensitive. I'm burnt out. I need to step away from the big fundraising for a bit and get some perspective. But doing that will bring the guilt. Guilt that U''m not doing enough. Guilt that I should be helping find a damn cure. I hate the guilt, almost as much as I hate the dread.

Tonight, it's a no win situation. I'm going to have to go to bed and curl up next to Jake and pray for his little body to stay strong and healthy forever.


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